Boots, Glasses, Boyfriend(s)

Not since the days of Nazi Germany has there ever been such a collaborative consensuses among a group of people to look the same, talk the same, and act the same. And no, I'm not talking about the Illuminati or the new world order or the US-ID act that all these conspiracy theorists have us up in arms about. I'm talking about a bigger enemy. A stronger enemy. One that lacks a penis. Women.

Now don't get me wrong, to quote sports anchor Brian Fantana, “I love the ladies. They rev my engine” …but if you honestly sit down anywhere and just analyze the girls around you, you can definitely notice common characteristics amongst our female companions. I conducted this experiment amongst fellow College Kid writers and upon expressing my distaste for the styles and ideals of these females I saw, they agreed with me and asked to write for College Kid. I think they like me. I think. The conclusions I came to are all in the same when it comes to girls: they don't think with logic, they take up our money, etcetera and so fourth. But not only this, many of these girls expressed the same social and fashion ideals. I could not find one girl that was an individual. It was almost scary. They all traveled in packs (shocker), looked the same, had the same boyfriend (of different variations mind you...but the same none the less). I mean seriously, what the fuck? Did Hollister Company buy out every woman on the planet? Or should I blame Paris Hilton and the fact that she at times makes 2 girls 1 cup look like fucking Thomas the Tank Engine. Regardless, here is a list of things you will find on any girl....ever.

1. Ugg Boots

The war of Uggs has been prolonged too long. Just get rid of them. I don't even want to argue this because I know most men in the world would wholeheartedly agree with me that these fucking things make you look completely ridiculous. Yes, I know their comfortable. Yes, I know you love them and you think they look good but the most comfortable thing I own is the gap thermal on my back and that cost me a whopping $25 dollars (without tax, bitch. Massachusetts represent.) Let's stop down under on uggaustralia.com and oh my god can you believe it? $160 dollars for a pair of Ugg boots. That's not even plus shipping and handling. And to all the girls wearing these overpriced bastard boots our in public: YOUR NOT SUPPOST TO DO THAT. You will destroy them and simply have to buy another pair, they were invented by Australian surfers so that whenever they came out of the water, their feet could stay warm and dry. Unless you surf, you shouldn't wear Ugg boots.

2. Purses

When I first came to college, I met one of the girls on my floor and came to a very shocking discovery: she was addicted to buying purses. I had a plastic case of movies under my dorm bed. She had plastic cases of purses. From Chanel to Louie Vaton to Armani, they dominated her room and took up an incredible amount of space. I knew simply due to this girl's purse collection I could never take her seriously. I mean, if you REALLY think about it the transverse of a girl's purse is a guy's backpack. And I've honestly only owned two of those in my life. I will accredit our female companions with the fact that yes, you do need a place to keep your stuff but having different containers of different sizes (why not just buy one big one and one small one for "dates"?) only creates more of a mess for you to hold on to. The only good thing about purses is that they hide tampons, which are also weird.

3. Big Puffy Coat (with fur on the hood)

This one is a new one that I just caught on to. Maybe it's a northeastern thing, but I've noticed that come wintertime every girl has the exact same long, puffy hooded coat with fur on the back of it. The last time I saw fur on a coat was on my great aunt, and this horrible thing is just a cross between a jacket puff daddy and something Liza Minelli would wear. I haven't even looked up the prices of these but I'm sure they're expensive too. Just spend your money wisely and buy a north face and something that makes you look like less of an Eskimo.

4. Huge Glasses

They make your face look like a bug, and when I take mushrooms your face becomes Darth Vader. Also, the sun may never set on a bad ass but the last bad ass I knew of was my grandfather who was in an experimental reconnaissance group in the army that ended up being a section of the Marines. So looks like your all shit out of luck with your stupid glasses.

5. Boyfriend(s)

Now hold the phone here. There are several types of boyfriends, I understand this. But when you see a boyfriend with th

is particular girl (that looks like every other girl)

know that he's either a) just in it for the sex, b) too stupid to realize the trap he's fallen into, c) their gay friend, or d) all of the above. You can usually spot them at malls or clubs or fancy bars. Known for taking "jaegah bams", constantly going to the gym and strangely enough....tanning. The last manly man that I knew that tanned and went to the gym was Hulk Hogan and his wife just divorced him, so looks like the UV lights and squats just aren't doing it for the Hulkster. Oh yeah, before I forget this know that all "boyfriends" you see with these girls are only temporary (every simple minded idiot knows that “girlfriends” are fake) so don't worry brah. You'll get your chance.

6. The Skunk hair cut

Yeah, fuck this. You look like a porn star AND your mother hates you. This is about as cool as when guys could get highlights. I remember in 7th grade some kids would try to do that and they'd bleach their entire hair. It looked horrible. Learn from our history and just don't do this.

7. Tabloids

Tabloids aren't cool. They are fake. I can't express how simple that is. Also, celebrity information has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR EVERY DAY LIFE. I'm sorry, but back in the day The Beatles and Steve McQueen were cool because they contributed in some way to the

world, more or less in certain aspects. Aside from a twelve minute video on the internet, I would argue that Paris Hilton doesn't exactly fall into this category of "worldly contributions". Also, why read about how Britney Spears' child custody problems when I could watch a live action version of it by going to the projects and walking around for a few minutes? The only difference is that these mothers have hair.

8. Their Friends

Admit it. The friends of these girls are all the same, they have every interest in everything that I have listed above. They travel in swarms and use phrases like "that's hot". They're usually shopping or at least thinking about it. Some may have boyfriends, but as above don't be fooled by the illusion of their temporary fuck buddy. Keep in mind that if you find yourself “going out” as we would say, with one of these girls, note that anything their friends say to you is a lie. In fact, they’re probably trying to sabotage you because they’re jealous they’re not the one with a “boyfriend”. An easy way around this is bringing your friends but make sure they understand what they’re getting into.

I guess the main point that I'm trying to push across in these things is that all girls have become exactly alike, that individualism and difference has penetrated (haha, I said penetrated) these girls' views even unto their physical level. The female individual is dead as long as this “trend” continues. So please, wipe off the make up, dye your hair back to normal, wear what you like and what makes you comfortable amongst people. Rather than trying to fit in, people would take you a lot more seriously in life and would be a complete benefit unto your own character as well. You may even develop a personality (woah...scary) and actually learn from the pleasures of every day life. Remember, guys get into long relationships with girls because we cognitively know we can handle being with “Girl A” for years, however, this “Girl B” I have described to you would last about a millisecond. So please, give me the Ugg boots, the puffy coat, the big glasses so that you may rid them of yourself or give me my rib back.

Cheers,

Lil' M.